Can you Shut Up for just a Minute?

Would you believe that you can make serious strides towards living a better life just by learning to shut your mouth?

No, I’m not talking about the standard “you have two ears and one mouth” fare. I am referring more to the reasons why it is sometimes better to listen than to talk.

People tend to innately come from the standpoint that they know the answers to any given situation. Not in a “I know everything” kind of way, but rather the fact that people just naturally gravitate towards the view of any given situation that they are personally most comfortable with.

If someone starts talking about how proud they are of their children, it is all but instinctive for us to immediately start talking about our own children.

When someone starts chatting about what is going on at their job, our point of reference immediately turns to our own job, and we compare our situation to that of the person talking, and then usually voice those comparisons.

As one of your friends starts either complaining or singing the praises of their spouse, your thoughts instantly turn to comparing your own spouse to what is being discussed, and you interject your opinion into the conversation as soon as the chance arises.

Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with using our own experiences and points of reference as a way of participating in any given conversation. In fact, that is part of the conversation process. However, something else happens that should not be a part of the conversation:

You stop listening to what the other person is saying!

Yes, you heard the words that came out of their mouth; you must have done that in order to think of your own frame of reference. However, by thinking about your own life in order to formulate a response, you are not considering the other person and how you may be able to help them, or possibly even learn from them.

Here are some exchanges to illustrate:

Person 1: My husband is being a jerk and he hasn’t mowed the lawn in weeks. Person 2: My husband is slacking off, too! He won’t even get off the couch anymore on Sundays, and I can’t remember the last time he took the kids to the park!

Person 1: I am so excited – I just got a promotion at work! Person 2: Congratulations! Things are going really well for me at work, too, and I might be getting a raise.

Person 1: I just read an article about how effective blueberries are for helping your memory. Person 2: That’s good to know – I love blueberries. I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately myself, and I’ve learned some interesting things about cooking.

Now, if you’ll forgive my obvious lack of screenplay writing ability, can you pick out one thing that happened with Person 2 in every single one of those exchanges?

In each instance, Person 2 found a way to relate what was said to their own life, rather than simply talking in a more in-depth manner with Person 1 about the original subject.

Let’s try something that might work better:

Person 1: My husband is being a jerk and he hasn’t mowed the lawn in weeks. Person 2: Do the two of you have an agreement that he is going to mow the lawn every week? If so, have you asked him why he isn’t doing it? Maybe the two of you can work something out.

Person 1: I am so excited – I just got a promotion at work! Person 2: That is great news! Tell me about your new position. How will your responsibilities change?

Person 1: I just read an article about how effective blueberries are for helping your memory. Person 2: I’m sure lots of people could benefit from that knowledge! Did the article give more details as far as the quantities of blueberries that you should eat, or if there is a special way to prepare them?

In each of these scenarios, by not immediately turning the conversation around to be focused on them, Person 2 has accomplished at least one of two things:

1. They have shown an interest in what is going on with Person 1, thus helping them to feel better about their situation – a favor that will likely be reciprocated by Person 1 in the future.
2. They have opened up a learning opportunity for one or both of them. By asking Person 1 for more details, Person 2 is allowing more focus to be put on the original issue that was raised, thus furthering the potential learning that may come about as a result.

Now, you may argue that these types of conversational exchanges would only take place in a 30-year old episode of ‘Leave it to Beaver‘, but this isn’t a lesson in conversation, but rather a lesson about Intent.

If your intent is to keep an open mind and focus on the person that you are speaking with, you will at the very least help them out more, and likely gain more of their respect and admiration in the process. Who doesn’t want a confidant who will always listen with a caring ear?

In addition, by intending to fully focus on what they are saying, the old adage “two heads are better than one” kicks in. Instead of one person with a problem or a success to voice their opinion about, there will be two heads participating in either finding a resolution or celebrating the good fortune.

Besides, even if you are only going to use the power of your two heads to find a way to make the lazy, non-lawn mowing husband rue the day he was born, you’ll be better at doing that if you are both actively participating in the conversation! 🙂

This post was inspired by the teachings of the book ‘Life on Purpose – Six Passages to an Inspired Life‘ by Dr. Brad Swift. See the Life on Purpose category for all posts discussing the topic of living a consciously created life!