If you want to improve your life, then you are going to have to practice personal growth by facing and overcoming challenges. The thrill of Victory is one of the sweetest sensations you can experience, but you’ll never feel it if you live your life inside a compact little bubble where nothing ever changes.
It’s a classic irony of the human condition that our instincts drive us to expand and to grow, yet at the same time we enjoy comfort, security, and recognizable boundaries. However, those same comfortable boundaries quickly become a self-imposed prison unless we continue to improve ourselves in some way.
Unless you want to live the rest of your days in your safe little box, you’re going to have to learn how to push your own limits, thus opening yourself up to experience the growing pains that herald the victories of your future. Falling flat on your face is the quickest, most effective way to make you appreciate the simplicity of being able to stand up straight, and as unpleasant as the fall may be, you’ll stand up that much taller from that point on because you’ll have the memory of that contrast.
Visualize the end result and ONLY the end result
As most of my readers know, I am going through the 90-day P90X workout program right now, and how can I put this bluntly? It’s hard!
However, I have several goals that depend completely or in part on my success with that program, so whenever I am feeling weak (literally or figuratively!) I visualize the end result, and I focus on it fiercely with all of my will power. What I don’t do is think about how hard an exercise is, or about how much I don’t want to workout, or about how I have work on my computer that I want to do during my exercise time.
One of the workouts is a rather intense yoga routine that includes some very difficult abdominal exercises towards the end after you are wiped out from more than 70 minutes of yoga poses. The “no pain” route to take would be to drop to the floor, rest, and just give up. The “pain” route involves me visualizing the six-pack that I am building, and focusing only on that vision, to the exclusion of everything else – including the pain itself.
The “no pain” route is easy in the moment, and gives a fleeting, instant reward – the opportunity to rest. The “pain” route involves significant discomfort, and no immediate noticeable results, but the long-term rewards make the pain very much worth working through.
Think of it as growth, not as pain
Sure, whenever your heart is broken, your bank account is vacant, or you’re gasping for air while exercising, it’s kind of hard not to realize that pain. However, the trick to personal growth is not in avoiding growth opportunities, but rather in learning from them.
- If you don’t know the pain of a broken heart, then you also don’t know how to appreciate a loving and happy relationship.
- If you don’t know what it’s like to wonder if you’ll have enough money to pay your bills, then you don’t understand the value of the money and the resources that you have.
- If you don’t know what it feels like to be unhealthy, fat, or injured, then you don’t know how wonderful it feels to be the opposite of those things.
Rather than viewing your painful experiences as nothing but painful experiences, instead, be grateful for the contrast they show you that will then allow you to appreciate success in those areas that much more once you have attained it.
Once you have learned everything that you need to learn from being broken-hearted, poverty-stricken, or out of shape, then apply what you have learned so you can avoid that pain in the future.
Also, no matter how bad your pain is, it is there nonetheless. If you are going to be experiencing it anyway, wouldn’t it be better to get something good out of the deal?
Don’t forget to accept responsibility
The absolute shortest route that you can take towards reliving pain in your life that you didn’t like the first time around is to blame it all on someone else.
- My ex-husband/wife is a jerk
- My boss doesn’t care about my needs
- My kids won’t give me space
- My brother/sister/mother/father treats me bad
- My friends are holding me back
- My genetics keep me from succeeding
- My lifestyle forces me to live my life this way
- My schedule keeps me from exercising and eating right
Crap, crap, and more crap. YOU are the only person who is now – or ever has been – responsible for the pain that you experience in life. Here is a short and simple way to remember this:
If it happened to you, then you were a part of it.
You may not have directly asked for something negative to come your way, or to be injured, or to get fired, or to have a relationship end badly, but if you were there at all (and you were!), then you share in the responsibility of the negative circumstances that are now causing you pain.
If you keep blaming other people or the outside world for your pain, then you will simply be handing over the reigns of your life to other people or to the outside world. You will continue to experience pain that is allegedly because of other people until you learn to take responsibility for the decisions that you make.
Remember, the goal here is personal growth. What exactly have you learned if it’s always someone else’s fault?
What this really touches upon is seeing the perfect balance that always exists in all areas of life. Pain reminds you that there can be pleasure. Poverty reminds you that there is also wealth and abundance.
However, I think the reason people fail to observe this balance is because they’re stuck, just like you said, in their comfort zone. That’s the trade off. If you want to progress, GET COMFORTABLE FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE!
Personally I’m beginning to hate my comfort zone because its stupid and does nothing but hold me back. I’d rather feel totally uncomfortable and progressing in life, than feel comfortable and be a complete standstill. But thats just me. 🙂
Steve,
I hear you! I like comfort as much as the next guy, but you’re absolutely right – comfort represents a lack of progress.
If we’re comfortable, that’s all well and good, but unless we get comfortable be uncomfortable, then it becomes all too easy to stagnate.
Should we stop and enjoy the spoils of our efforts? Absolutely! We just shouldn’t pitch a a tent there and hang out for too long. 🙂
Thank you, Aaron, for these tips on how to get through the “pain barrier” of personal growth.
I think accepting that the road ahead might be rocky, is one of the first hurdles to overcome at the start of any new activity. As you suggest, there will be tough times, times when we want to throw in the towel.
That’s when having a clear idea as to why we are doing something is important. Working out your reasons before starting is the best way to improve the likelihood of success.
You mentioned that you have several goals you want to attain during your P90X program. Perhaps some of these were set out at the beginning, while others have developed as you’ve gone along.
Likewise, I know when I lost a load of weight, the key thing was taking the time beforehand to decide my motivation for doing it- was it for health reasons, self-confidence, was I doing it for myself?
Having these reasons worked out (written down is excellent) at the beginning served as anchors during the process when it would have been all too easy to give up.
Keeping focussed on these goals is key- the “light at the end of the tunnel” is a good motivator.
I hope you’re enjoying the program too!
Scott – great comment!
I really like what you said about using our reasons as “anchors”. That is exactly what we need in life because the journey is rocky more times than it isn’t, so without being properly tied down we tend to easily lose direction and go off track.
Yes, we can modify those anchors during the journey – as you indicated – but without understanding the power of our anchors (and then using that power) – then they aren’t very useful to us.
To use the real-world version of an anchor, it isn’t very helpful to have an anchor on a boat if you never throw it overboard, ya know? 😉
I really liked what you said about visualizing the end result. A book I just finished reading has helped me understand this concept, “Live What You Love”. To not give up right before the miracle/change actually happens.
Melissa,
In Think and Grow Rich there is a story about a guy who was digging for gold, and although he put forth an incredible effort, he stopped short right before he hit a huge underground supply. He went back home broke and defeated, only to find out later that if he had stuck it out for just a little while longer, the rewards would have more than made up for the effort.
Life gives us many scenarios like that, and the only way that we know if we are about to strike gold is to keep working towards our goals, and not giving up – no matter how much we may want to!
Useful advice you have here, Aaron. I’ve felt much pain while I went through my difficulties. However, I realised that I needed to walk this path; without which, I would never have come to know what I wanted in life.
Thanks for sharing,
Evelyn
Evelyn,
Very glad that the post resonated with you, and you are right about walking a path even if it is a painful path to be on.
Sure it hurts at the time, but the knowledge that we gain from it can then be used to avoid that same pain in the future.
I think part of the trick is in recognizing those opportunities, however. Some people make the same mistake over and over again because the conditions are different, even though the core issue is the same.
It all boils down to being aware during life, rather than just going through the motions.
To grow beyond our comfort zones require much stretching. Pain can sometimes be an inevitable part of the process but it’s necessary so we can become stronger and better people =)
Shun,
A lot of people will push back against the word “pain” because there is a common belief that life is effortless when we are truly in alignment with our desires. I agree with that 100%, but just like I said in this post, there is a difference between “easy” and “effortless”. Pain is sometimes still there, even when we are on Effortless Street! 🙂
Part of me is a little uncomfortable putting this information about myself out there, even though most of it is on my About Me Page on my blog.
But, my family suffered a major tragedy a few years back. My mom was in the hospital for 9 months straight due to a severe brain injury. I can easily say that it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go thru, but just like your post says… What is important is HOW YOU REACT in the face of tragedy.
It makes you stronger, it builds your character… As much as I hate that this ever happened to my mother, I am still able to find many, many positive things that have come out of this difficult situation. And in the end, it has made me a wiser, stronger and more compassionate person.
Great Post Aaron!
Thanks, Jeff! I appreciate the positive feedback, as well as you sharing your personal insights.
My Mom died of brain cancer more than 17 years ago, and she was one of my best friends in all the world. I was one of the hardest hit by the experience, but to this day the lessons that I learned from it – to get up early every day and start enjoying your life and the people in it – power my very existence.
In that regard, I’m grateful for what the experience taught me, and I know that she would not have it any other way. 🙂
I love this post, too. How we handle the pain in our lives really determines who we become. My mother also has had brain surgery. Hers was for an aneurysm; to hopefully prevent another stroke. However, she has a victim attitude and so I can relate with every bit of advice given about your maxim “if it happened to you, you were a part of it.”
I may put a different spin on that, though. When we think of things happening “to us” then we are also in the blaming mentality. It’s more PC to say “If I experienced it, then I helped create it.”
Jessica,
That is an excellent way to fine-tune that point. Yes, if it came into our experience, then we helped create it.
I think one of the reasons why people have such a hard time grasping that concept is because there aren’t always straight lines that say “Since you did “x,” now “y” is going to happen.
It is rarely that black and white, and the power of our unseen state of mind also has a lot to do with it. Our state of mind “muscles” can be tested and strengthened just as our physical muscles can be, and the more we do so, the better able we will be to maintain a state of mind that is beneficial to us.