If you have ever watched Star Trek, then you are aware of the vaunted "logic" that Vulcans apply to all area of their lives. I've always said that Star Trek was about people, not about space, and I think those pointy-eared aliens may have been on to something…
Here on planet Earth, we are all bright and vibrant human beings, and our emotions are as much a part of who we are as any of the physical aspects of our lives. However, despite their lack of physical presence, our emotions have an invisible strength that can either carry us to unheard of accomplishments, or sink us down into an unfathomable personal abyss.
Unlike the stoic Vulcans, us mere humans have the ability to control our emotions without having to give them up, thus allowing us mastery over all aspects of our lives. The only question is whether or not you are going to exercise that control, or surrender yourself to the power of your emotions and then just hope for the best…
It is very easy to toss around terms like positive thinking, self-control, and even conscious creation, yet for many people those terms end up meaning next to nothing when the chips are down.
And that is where the Vulcans have us beat.
By giving up their desire to experience any emotions, they also removed the danger of having an inappropriate emotional response to any given situation. The average person here on planet Earth doesn't fair so well in a situation that evokes a stronger emotional response than they were prepared for.
However, by realizing that it is the "prepared for" part that is tripping us up, there is still hope!
Although there is no possible way to emotionally prepare for every single situation that might cause us to have a negative response, it is also not necessary to do so.
Most of us have but a small handful of situations that truly "trip us up" and cause us to experience emotions that are not in alignment with our goals. Those situations could include things such as:
- Fighting with your spouse or significant other
- Having disagreements with your co-workers
- Negative situations involving your friends
- Unexpected financial conditions
- Traffic or Commuting issues
You may have your own list of situations that cause you to jump off of the emotional control bandwagon, and if you do have such a list, it shares one common thing with the list above:
Every single one of these situations can be foreseen.
I'm not talking about foreseeing the actual events, but rather foreseeing the way that you would feel if those events happened to you.
Most people already have more than enough experience dealing with situations such as those listed, and with similar situations. Why is it then, that when we find ourselves in those same situations again, we have the same negative emotional reactions that we had the last time???
Do you need a reminder about the definition of insanity? Here you go:
Doing the same thing over and over again, yet expecting a different result!
- If you know that your spouse or significant other really makes you mad whenever you argue, then doesn't it stand to reason that you can prepare for that in advance?
- If you already know that your nosy or know it all co-worker is going to cause issues for you at work, can't you have a pre-selected response ready that doesn't cause you to have negative feelings?
- If you have a friend who is starting to bring circumstances into your life that you do not want, is it not within your power to set up a process in advance for dealing with that individual?
- If you have ever been out of money before, then you are well aware of the way that it feels. In the past, did your negative emotional reaction to being broke do you any good? Why not prepare a more empowering emotional response in case it happens again?
- If your daily commute causes you emotional angst that you no longer want in your life, do you not have the power to prepare for that angst in advance by finding a way to have a more positive reaction to that situation?
By simply practicing the fine art of preparing for things that you already have plenty of experience with, you'll save yourself an emotional armageddon that could otherwise destroy a state of mind that can – and will – carry you to whatever victory you are striving for!
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I would come at emotional mastery from a different angle here.
Our emotional response to a situation does not have to be our reaction.
We can feel the anger, observe it, allow it to move through us… but not yell and scream and vent the anger on our partner.
Instead, we ask why we feel what we feel?
Why we feel anger in that situation?
And then we work to release the internal issues or beliefs that give rise to the emotion.
So then the same situations won’t always have the same results.
Being a master of one’s emotions is a combination of these two factors – in summary:
1. Letting emotions be what they are, and allow them to move through the body without reacting to them.
2. Changing the underlying belief systems that give rise to the emotions in the first place.
To take it further – there are no ‘negative’ emotions either… only negative reactions. Anger is what anger is… joy is what joy is… It’s what we choose to do with the emotion that can have a perceived negative or positive result.
So if your co-worker’s actions create a particular emotion in you…
1. Observe this emotion and allow it to be what it is without REACTING to it, or dumping on the co-worker
2. Ask yourself WHY you have this particular emotional reaction in this particular circumstance.
Our emotions are often our greatest teachers, and allow ourselves to hold up a mirror and see who we truly are.
One last thought:
It’s not that we control our emotions. It’s that we control our reactions to our emotions. That is mastery.
Thank you for the thought-provoking post! As you can tell from the long commment, it got me going!
Much joy,
KL
I’ve never been a real fan of Star Trek, but now I’m curious…it’s about people?
I think this is a very good example of how you can create a gap between a stimulus and a response, as described by Covey in his first habit (be proactive). I think it’s even stronger if you prepare several scenarios, to give you some flexibility in the responses you can choose from. This gives you the opportunity to give the response that’s most effective in the situation as it evolves.
Kara-Leah,
Thank you for adding so much to this conversation! You are absolutely correct that it is our reaction to any situation that matters – not the situation itself.
As you indicated – there really is no “negative” or “positive,” but rather whether we allow ourselves to have a negative or a positive reaction.
Also, I’m with you 100% on reacting vs. responding. In fact, I wrote this post about that very concept not too long ago.
My point with this post about emotional mastery is that by being prepared for any given situation, we can respond in a manner that is in alignment with our goals vs. reacting in a manner that is not.
Reacting is so much easier and natural, though, which is why so many people do it.
Thanks again for adding your wonderful insights, Kara-Leah – great stuff! 🙂
Lodewijkvdb,
Oh yes – Star Trek is about people! It’s also about space, but it’s more about people! 🙂
I love what you said about having more than one response prepared in advance. That is a wise course of action because the more responses you have available, the better armed you will be for the many different variables that can be a part of an infinite number of possible situations.
Personally, I always have at least 2 responses ready for situations that may cause angst for me, and I add in additional potential responses if I feel that there are a lot of variables that may cause unexpected circumstances to arise.
How does that saying go? Forewarned is forearmed? 🙂
Thank you Aaron for this post which has reached me at the perfect time and thank you Kara-Leah because I found your comment extremely helpful right now too. I’ll have a fully different day thanks to you two!
:)))) Much love,
Patricia
Patricia,
Comments like this make the time spent writing more than worth the effort! Glad that you got so much out of it!
Dear Aaron,
I’m working with my difficulty to face differences or conflicts with people. That’s sth I have just discovered was an issue for me but sth which has ruled my life so far (37 years!).
And you write this today which is so helpful! The Universe is giving me exactly what I need and that is great. I’m thankful for that to the Universe and to you.
What amazes me is that you ended up thanking me! You are a really kind person. I’m happy to have found your blog.
Cheers!
Patricia
Hey Aaron,
Your comment really helped me find clarity in that article, and I see how I can add a 3. to my concepts of emotional mastery based on your article.
3. Rehearse a response for known difficult situations (a.k.a fake it until you make it…)
Thanks for adding so much more to my understanding!
Much joy,
KL
To add to KL’s comment up there: I’ve experienced great shifts from doing one of the steps from the Sedona Method – where you just simply stop and ask yourself “can I just allow this to be here?” That way you take all the triggery stigma from it and the shift can be instant. I’ve come to recognize myself (through work on the enneagram and myers-briggs etc) as a pretty emotion-based person. 🙂 And learning to respond rather than react (using some of the methods you’ve written in this post, aaron – and some of what KL wrote) has been a HUGE gift in my growth and success. Great post!
Patricia,
I’ll have to thank you AGAIN, because for me blogging about personal development only holds so much charm to just do the writing. It is the positive feedback from readers such as yourself that is the real reward for doing the writing. By having conversations in the comments section, other people join in as well, which benefits everyone.
I’m truly grateful that my writings have been so beneficial to you, and I really appreciate your thoughts on the whole thing. Great stuff! 🙂
Kara-Leah,
That is a good old-fashioned Team Effort right there, I could not be happier about being a part of that!
Great job, partner! 🙂
Christine,
Many thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts! I’m sure you know by now that I’m a big fan of your writing, so it’s great to hear your insights on what has been written by myself as well as the talented Ms. Kara-Leah.
I’ve heard several audio interviews with Hale Dwoskin, so when I read in your comment “can I just allow this to be here?”, I totally heard it in his voice. The Sedona Method is great stuff for taking charge of ourselves in any given situation.
Thanks for sharing that bit of wisdom about the empowerment process, Christine, and for adding to a growing list of great ideas for personal and emotional mastery! 🙂
Hey Christine,
I’ve never heard of the Sedona Method before, I will have to google it!
Aaron, I love the dialogue you create with your readers, it is the essence of a successful blog and you do it so well.
There is one particular situation in my life where I keep running into a brick wall, it happened again last night… and I didn’t have something prepared and of course reacted the same way as always… DOH.
So today, I am going to meditate on preparation and break this situation open once and for all!!!
Much joy,
KL
Kara-Leah,
I really appreciate the positive feedback, and I’m glad this dialogue is already showing some benefit in your life.
The next time you hit that brick wall, I guarantee you’ll be better prepared for it, and by handling it in a manner that is more consistent with your personal goals, everyone who is part of that situation will benefit.
And trust me, this is coming from someone who has hit MANY brick walls in his time, and several of them have been the same wall over and over again! 😉
Hi Aaron, I love your articles! I’ve submitted this post to http://www.HighVibeIt.com/story/527 as I’ve tagged you along for the High Vibe Game at my blog http://www.JacklynKer.com/136/136/
Thank you for sharing this great blog!
Love, Jacklyn
Jacklyn,
Thanks for High-Vibing my post and for the positive feedback! I at totally grateful for both!
I appreciate the tag for the High-Vibe Game and I am definitely planning on doing that project. I’ll have it up early next week! 🙂
Dear Aaron,
I told you before I liked your article. Well, this week, for the first time in my life I didn’t react to 2 difficult situations and I did respond. The result was amazing and it felt specially good.
What I’m proud of is the fact of my having been able to put it into practice. Because understanding and seeing truths is one thing but getting them down to our everyday life is sth else. I did it and I intend to include this distinction reaction/response.. and at some stage to master it, in my life, from now on.
Let me ask you a question, just in case you can help me: I have a 6-year-old child and I’d love to introduce him to the LoA early in his life. I’d also like to teach him this distinction of reaction/response. I have started talking to him about this all but I note that he gets bored easily and doesn’t pay much attention to it. Are there any special suggestions on how to help children on all this?
I’m aware that my own improvement helps his.. but still, I feel a little bit lost.
Thank you,
🙂 Patricia
Patricia,
Congratulations on successfully applying this concept to your life! You have demonstrated a very real fact that many people in the personal development industry have been saying for years – knowledge is useless unless it is actually applied to your life! Big props to you for leading by example.
As far as introducing concepts such as the LOA and conscious creation to children, I personally see it as two-fold:
1) As you have already demonstrated, leading by example is the best teacher. It has been shown repeatedly that children pay at least as much attention to what we DO as what we SAY. I think they actually pay more attention to our actions than our words.
2) As is always the case with children, you have to both keep their interest, as well as keep it short. Find ways to show him how maintaining a proper attitude applies to his life, rather than just speaking in general terms.
Also, making children actually think rather than just talking “at” them is always more effective. Most of us remember things that our parents used to say all the time, but even to this day, we don’t practice what they preached. However, when we were given a challenge or a puzzle, that made it more real and also more memorable.
Give kids questions rather than directives, and I think you’ll get a better response.
All of that being said, I am no child psychologist, but I WAS a child once, and I’ve got a total of 5 of my own kids (3 mine, 2 step-children), so I’ve got some experience in this matter. 🙂
Hope that helps, Patricia!
Hi Aaron,
Thank you again. You hit the nail on the head: not so much talk, more application to his own life, making it practical and personal is the answer.
I’m smiling at myself because being a language teacher I know this very well regarding teaching a language. However, for some reason, I couldn’t see it applied to this field! You see… there’s always advice we need out there! And you’re always ready to provide it. Thanks again.
Wow! You really surprised me with your 5-children experience! You’re very brave. And I’m happy for those children because having you as a father surely makes their journey specially enjoyable and fun. Cheers to you all!
Patricia
Hi, Aaron and all;
Wow! From the response here, this topic is obviously one of great interest to many people, which means to me that people are awakening to the possibility of changing their lives by changing their thoughts. Great stuff!
It seems to me that awareness – awareness that we are reacting vs. having a genuine conversation – is a valuable first step, and in fact acts to dissolve the reactionary mechanism just by being aware of it. Stephen Covey’s work is indeed a great resource for learning to think ahead about who we are – to decide in advance. Thus we eliminate (partially) the need to even plan our potential reactions, because we can just declare who and what we choose to be, then live into that. It’s definitely a process, but it can be done, and it’s very rewarding.
In the case of a child, I love the question about introducing children to these concepts. The beauty is that kids are far more open to such ideas because they do not carry around the baggage and cynicism that blocks many (most?) adults.
My two cents when it comes to kids and ANY lesson you may wish to teach is to lead by example, and to be clear about what you are doing. Kids watch everything, and will learn from any example – positive or negative. Their perspective is somewhat narrow, and they can twist meanings and interpretations, especially when we don’t explain our motives. If I want my daughter to to exhibit self-respect (and as a secondary consequence respect for others), I have to demonstrate it, and literally say to her ‘please do not speak to me that way. I have too much respect for myself to be spoken to in that way’…and she literally GETS THE MESSAGE, because it is clear…then she can internalize it and be that for herself as well. She is an amazing creator, and is always walking around creating stuff, saying ‘I created that!’…and she’s right. She’s way better at it than I am, because she believes she is. Her only challenge is coming across people – MOST – who don’t believe. Maybe someone has some advice on this point…she has a teacher, for example, who chastises her for saying anything like the things we talk about here, and it drives me nuts. I can only be there for her, and let her know that she will come across many people in her life who will hold different views from her own. I can encourage her to listen to them all, and then make her own choices, while firmly believing in herself.
Thoughts?…
I know I wrote a lot here…I guess you touched things in me as well! Thanks, as always, Aaron, for your thoughtful posts.
Shauna,
Wow, you added so much to this conversation – thanks!
I love what you said about deciding who we are going to be in advance. I’ve never spent any significant amount of time studying Steven Covey, so I was not aware of that concept from him, but I totally love it. In fact, I feel a blog post coming on! 🙂
As far as your daughter, you are doing such a wonderful job by teaching her the truth, despite any close-minded teachers or peers.
In my opinion, a good teacher should encourage children to be open-minded, even if the teacher doesn’t believe in the concepts in question. Otherwise, aren’t teachers just teaching close-mindedness?
Ah, but that is a discussion for another day! 😉
Thanks again for bringing so much value to the conversation, Shauna!
Today sth fantastic happened at home & I wish to share it with you because you have had much to do with it!
It’s only a month -or so- I’m meditating and it’s more or less the same time I’m really working on my own “owner’s manual” (as I’ve read in some post Aaron suggested).
Today my 6-year-old son was quite excited, with that kind of excitement that we parents know it either ends up in crying or in crying.. and he suddenly stopped, took a deep breath and let the air out. He did that 3 times and told me: “now I feel better… when I let the air out I feel much better”.
:)))))
Patricia,
Thank you so much for sharing that great story! As today’s adults are starting to become more and more “in tune” with concepts such as consciously creating our lives, the young ones in our lives will benefit from being raised by adults with a sense of control and empowerment.
It’s cool to hear stories about kids who are already experiencing those types of benefits. 🙂